The Adventures of Lee M. Cardholder

Here’s a fun thing to do if you are poor:
I got the idea when I was at the liquor store one day after work and the clerk who was ringing in my purchase looked at my guitar case and said “Musician? I’m guessing you don’t collect Air-miles”.
Owww!!

I start saving those fake Airmile and MasterCards that come in the mail. They usually list the card owner as “Your Name, Your company” or my personal favourite “Lee. M. Cardholder”.
I packed my wallet full of them.

My friends and family know about it and that’s the most important part of the fun. When we go for lunch I say “Let me put this on my credit card!” and I get out my wallet. They panic. People would rather pay for lunch then witness the horrible awkwardness of having the waitress return with the card and explain that it isn’t real. I have practiced my look of shock and bewilderment in case I ever really need to use it. The steps for this are the same for getting yourself out of any jam.

Step one:
Act Surprised
(Tilt head and squint eyes as if you don’t understand what is being told to you). Take card from waitress and examine it for at least 10 seconds. Turn it over. Run fingers across embossed lettering like you were touching the face of a cherished lover. (Don’t make eye contact with anyone else at the table. They will make you laugh.)


Step two:
Show Concern
The waitress will probably be telling you that you got this card free in the mail. Say something like “What?!! It’s not reeeeal!!? Why would they send this to me if I can’t use it?! What would be the point of that?!!! That doesn’t make sense!” Shake your head as in disbelief. Return your card angrily to your torn shabby wallet and hastily produce your “Your-name-your-company American express.”
The waitress will probably hand it right back to you. Again, act surprised.

Step three:
Deny Everything
If you are like me and don’t have a car, say something like “Well, this is ridiculous. I just used this card at the gas station!! And it worked fine.”

I find this to be a highly entertaining way to pass away the impoverished years. I especially like using it when I’m out with my band-mate making large purchases for the studio.
The thrill of tapping my card quietly on the counter while the clerk is making the final calculations...
“Pete...let me pay!”
The stifled smirk, the slight widening of the eyes,
“I’ll get this one Lee M., I think you got it last time.”

SWF Seeks Summer Income

Now that the school year is winding down so are the zeros in my bank account. Granted, there was only two of them, but I will miss those little suckers!

It appears the time has come to get one of the job things you people are constantly going on about.
So, this songwriter is now excepting applications from would-be money-givers (or "employers" I think they are called.)

According to the merriam webster dictionary, a "job" is "something done for private advantage." That's not usually the way I roll, but what the heck. The kind dictionary folks even had a link to an audio pronunciation of the word for those of us who were unsure. Go on! Try it out.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?job00001=job

So future employers; I have a few questions to ask before we firm up the details. First
Have YOU ever been convicted of a crime for which a pardon has not been granted?
This is important. I like to have something good to talk about at break-time- (which I assume will be many and long...yes?). This would be excellent fodder for lunch time chats and possible a song or two.
Secondly, how do you plan to make good use of my drawing, painting, rhyming skills in your company?
Also, I might mention that in my other job as a musician we are usually comp-ed with free drinks. Will this also be the case at your business?
How would you feel about me starting each morning with the phrase "I soooooo DON'T want to be here!!"
Great! I think were ready to talk cash-ola. I need it, and I need alot of it.
I may possibly need it up-front. Did I mention I do calligraphy? Perhaps you could use me in your accounts department scripting pay cheques in old-English fonts?

Anyway. Call anytime soon (while I still have phone service)
Kathy