THE DUMB THINGS THEY MADE ME SAY

Warning: This blog entry contains the word cervix 4 times. My apologies to sensitive readers.

Sometimes you find yourself stringing together words that you never thought you would have to use in the same sentence. Things that seem so ridiculous to say, that you can’t believe they are coming from your mouth. I don’t mean the dumb things we say voluntarily- I’m talking about the stupid things you have to say- because the moment calls for them and they must be said. For me these sentences stay like embroidery on the fabric-of-my-being.

I think when I was a kid everything I said and did, happened and then dissolved. Maybe when your 7 you had to interrupt the odd game of hopscotch, to tell your mom, to tell your brother, to stop calling you a “tramp”. But you don’t realize how non-sensical it is at the time. By the time you find out what a tramp is, you’ve forgotten he called you one, (or maybe you are one), so no harm done.
When you get older you have higher expectations of what you should and should not have to say.

The first time I remember having to say something earth-shatteringly messed-up was when I was in labour with my daughter. In the course of the day’s wondrous events I was put in the position of needing to utter a request that went a little like :
“Um...The next time you abruptly ‘check my cervix’ could you first ask the visitors to leave?”
It is a miracle to me that there are even a series of words that could effectively form this request for an event that seems wrong on so many levels. Whoever developed the English language clearly thought of everything!
Now, since then I have watched a few episodes of “Birth Story”. Public-cervix-checking seems to be common place in this forum, probably because my sentence didn’t make it through the ether to birthing centres world-wide. The women on the show seem disinclined towards stating the obvious.
Cervix dilation status =Confidentiality
If anything goes without saying, it must be THAT.
Riiiiiight?????

About 18 months later I found myself at a petting zoo calmly reminding my new daughter not to “lick the pigs”.
Surely no human ever came to this world thinking a time in their life would arrive when they would have to turn to another human (small though she was) with her tongue wedge through a rusty/dirty frost fence and remind her (FIVE TIMES) that licking livestock was not a part of what we were here on earth to do. God invented lock-jaw and swine flu for these reasons-So mothers, instead of forming the warning, could just give their kid (the pig licker- who eventually came out of the-cervix-everyone-knows-about ...even before they read your shameless Blog!) a knowing glare upon diagnosis.

You allow you self to say these kinds of things, and eventually you are explaining to a grown man- that ..........
Wait for it!.....
“Your black nail polish is on the dresser beside your earrings”. Marilyn Manson years, I hated you!!!
More than more!


Other things I heard myself say that didn’t make sense:

To the dog- “Stop licking your sister!”

To my friend- “You left your accordion at my house. I tried to play it. Hope you don’t mind”

To my grandmother- ”Well, I see your point but I’m not sure my marriage broke up because I wear jeans all the time.”

To my dad- “When you’re done cutting shampoo bottles up into tiny pieces and stuffing them into a bleach bottle, would you mind giving me a lift home?”

To Phil (my former neighbour)- “Ya, so the plumbing’s broken again and when you flush your toilet it comes into my tub again. If you guys could not throw up again tonight... again, I’d really appreciate it.”

My favorite, To anonymous-“ Why does it say ‘NANCY’ on your ass?!!!”