Accidentally Amish

Amish Day
Saturday, May8th
12:04- Tree falls 2 houses down. Takes the hydro with it. I don't notice because my student and I are playing Taylor Swift songs along with a YouTube video. Deeply engrossed we are. Her Mom comes to retrieve her and has to park under a live hydro line. Thats why I make them pay cash.

To whom it may concern,
I may have been inadvertently entered in some sort of Amish for a day contest. This is obviously a mistake. Please remove my name from your list and restore the hydro on my street.

1:00pm
Cordless phones don’t work without hydro? Who knew? Luckily I have one of those old-school phones that belonged to my grandmother when she was living. I have to cancel a guitar student- due to no amp power, street closed off and a freezing cold room. Dear God, you owe me $17.00.

1:30 So bored. Thinking of calling Grama's old number.

2:00 This beer is going to go warm. I may as well drink it.

3:30 The cold reality is sinking in. I thought heat came from the basement. Someone has lied. Everything I do relies on electricity. I just text ed you to tell you that...but it won’t send. The cable is down.

3:34
I’ve called everyone I know to tell them a tree fell on my street. Oddly, they treat my great news with only mild enthusiasm. Clearly i am in this alone. Time to form an action plan.

4:00
Going to Kara's where there is electricity.

7:00
Returned to Albert Street. Situation unchanged. My neighbours seem bored. Some are irritated. My mother was wrong. Stuck up people aren’t necessarily shy.

7:04
Cant seem to except the fact that the lights don’t work. I find myself wondering if the lava lamp might also run on some extraterrestrial power. My hand moved towards the switch. Damn.

8:52 wondering what possessed me to place all decorative candle holders in seemingly hard to reach places. Its cold, its dark and now I feel extremely short.

8:54 wondering if empty liquor bottles would make good candle holders.
8:56 Place lit up like a Stevie Nicks photo shoot. Patron bottle makes especially affective candle holder.

8:57 Would rather have full bottle of Patron.


9:00pm The only thing warm around here is the inside of the fridge.

9:02 pm This is so freeeeeeaaaaaaking boring.
9:04 ...Like camping without smores, or friends.
9:05. ...Wishing you were here- (please bring s’mores and tequila ).

9:15 Finding pajamas by candlelight. I really should organize my drawers.

9:18 Putting on something that may or may not be pajamas.

9:20 Huddling under blankets on couch. I can see the lights of Louisa Street from my front window. All lit up like Choo-Choo Charlies. You hydro-having bastards. I hate you all.

9:30 I think I hear the food in my fridge going bad. Luckily I hardly go grocery shopping, so its not a very loud sound.

9:35- playing a game of Majong with last of battery power on laptop.

9:42 checking light switch- just to be goofy.

9:50 repeated saying “Heeeello Awe-mish Dog!” to Byron. Just to see his reaction. He is also not amused. Which is strange since he’s never been allowed to use any of the electric appliances anyway. Perhaps the below zero air temperature is harshing his buzz.

9:52
Taking a beer out of the fridge so it can stay cold.

10-11:00
doing less than nothing.

11:00- Blowing out candles and sleeping on couch.

May 9-
7:00 I dreamt the hydro company was working outside my window all night and that I woke up freezing cold with no hopes of a shower or a hot coffee. See, dreams really do come true.

7:30 Drinking fairly decent coffee from boiled water and hand held coffee filter. Cream curdled but delicious. I rock. I am survivo woman. Placed in the primitive environment with nothing but a comforter, a 70s phone a gas stove and a store 2 minutes away. Doing remarkable well all things considered.

8:21 am-Dear Internet, I miss you most of all.

8:49 Ashton Kutcher- If I’m being “punked” please show up soon with a Starbucks and a 10 minute hot-shower.

9:45
If it wasn’t for my wrist watch I would have no idea of the time. I would have to build a sundial- without online instructions...or call someone and ask.
Thankgod for the wrist watch. It is nearing 10:00 a.m.
The clock in the kitchen has read 12:04 (and 15 seconds) since the giant tree fell and turned albert street into a primitive culture. By now, the only thing in my fridge I can truley trust is a tall can of tuborg. Its a bit early for beer- according to my wristwatch. STILL...the clock in the kitchen does say 12:04, which is a respectable hour for a beverage. And I am bored. And the beer is in the Kitchen...where the clock says 12:04. What do you think happens next?


9:50
The neighbourhood is dividing itself in a “Lord of the Flies” fashion. Yesterday some left to go to dinner and did not appear to return. Half of those that stayed peered out the window all night and are mighty greasy and grumpy this morning. They are under the mistaken impression that being short with the hydro workers will help things along.

Dear neighbourhood people,
STEP AWAY FROM THE LARGE MAN IN THE GIANT ORANGE PANTS!! He is my only hope of having a bubble bath. If you mess this up for me there will be payback. I have pooping dogs. I’m not afraid to use them on your neatly preened yards.

If service is never restored, and a tribe leader needs to be chosen, I am voting for the nice Lady who said she lived at number 18. She was smart enough to walk to Tim Horton's. And she smiled at the hydro repairmen.
When my wrist watch battery goes, she seems like the type who could help me build that sundial (or at least tell me the closest place to find a new battery).

I have gone to the store twice. Just to remind myself what electricity sounds like. And for smokes.

Here, there is only silence.
I can hear the Tuborg fizzing in my esophagus.
A small dog licking,
a large dog dreaming.
I think we are all missing toast.

10:14 am- the street is taken off bypass. Energy rushes in. The fridge, clock, TV come to life. It seems deafening for a moment. Unexpected.
We have a pulse!!
Digital clocks flash,. 12;00. 1200 1200 1200


The Amish, marry young and have big families. I know why. In the electricity barren world, you need people to talk to. Games of candle light Pictionary, knock knock jokes, someplace to keep you milk fresh (like a cow)
The Land of no electricity, is no place for a lady and her dogs. If my Facebook was up and running Id change my status to "I'm cold and its dark. Do something!!”

I dodged the great blackout of 2003.
I was in Halifax visiting my brother. We were in a well lit tavern when the news flashed on the big screen. People walking home from work – downtown Toronto to Etobico. We thought, whoa, that sucks. And ordered another round. I have a new respect for you all.

10:20 am
I unplug my grandmothers phone from the 70’s, toss her a silent “thankyou!” and turn my chordless on. “YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES”. Seriously???

I Finish my breakfast beer and turn my thought to a hot bubble bath.